LESSON #1 - There are other people in the world that hurt besides me.
I can totally see how work stress can be debilitating, but holy fucking shit, do I EVER wish that this was my problem. Work stress? Really? That is so me pre-2012.
LESSON #2 - Anger is a choice.
Well, yes. But they also said something in group therapy about anger being creativity turned outward...actually, I don't remember the wording exactly (that's how good of an outpatient I was). In any case, I can choose to sit in my heartbreak amongst the shattered remains of several cans of low sodium Pringles, empty bottles of imported near beer, and the stale cold smell of my own body, OR I can be productive and take a shower and write about stupid things like...
- Kim Kardashian - Someone....something...all ye monsters of the earth and sea, including Kim's own gigantic ass...I call on you to do the universe a favor and COME AND TAKE THIS WOMAN, PLEASE!
- The dumb broad who tailgated me on the freeway the other day - do you know whose ass you're trying to grind on? Yeah, I've got a Class C driver's license. "C" for CRAZY. A few years ago I went to the DMV not knowing they would retake my picture that day. The photo below shows my unfortunate choice in wardrobe. The camera got me from "A Little Nutty" up. It almost looked official, stamped right across the bottom of the picture like a warning. That was my driver's license photo for several years. So yeah...I got your number, lady.
- The squinty eyed teenager skateboarding around the parking lot of Stater Bros. - I almost hit you. I probably wouldn't have even felt bad about it (see above regarding driver's license classification). And by "squinty", I do not mean Asian, so don't get excited and call me an Asian-hating-Asian. (Example: Taylor Swift posing with a "Here's looking at you" squint)
- The bag of flour that ripped open in the checkout line of Stater Bros. - because what's more attractive than wearing fat pants sprinkled with a fine dust of white powder across the front? If I could've taken you home, flour, I SO would've kneaded the shit out of you.
LESSON #3 - Breathing exercises are helpful...but hard
Stay focused on your breathing...in and out, in and out. This helps you to stay mindful and live in the present. I think I need more practice. During these exercises, my mind did not stay focused on my breathing. My brain decided to wander over to:
- Very dark places - what's the point of living without Ligaya?
- Interesting places - I wonder if it's not too late in life to become a professional magician
- Sad places – my heart is so very, very broken
- Weird places - I enjoy picturing angry cats wearing Christmas sweaters and salsa dancing to Michael Buble's music. I want to punch that guy in his smuggy smug little face, by the way.
- Creative places - LITTLE BIRD'S COOKIE SERVICE! LIGAYA'S LULLABIES!
So here I am – a new graduate of intensive outpatient therapy, but instead of another diploma to misplace in my file cabinet, I have a piece of paper that says I’m cleared to go back to work tomorrow. Ah, mental health in America. But that’s a subject for another day.
To be perfectly honest, it wasn’t all that bad. I met some really nice people (even if I did tire myself out at times with the amount of shade I was throwing); and I definitely think it’s a positive sign that my choice to be angry has fueled the fire of productivity (it doesn’t only include complaining about Kim Kardashian. I’m baking – see last photograph below for proof). It’s that fire that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still sad – there will always be that (so please don't tell me that "time heals all wounds" or you will get: a) a lecture; b) a side-eye; c) arm barred; d) all of the above and then some) – but I'm constantly learning to mold each moment of the day around the heartache. I made a promise to my Little Ligaya Bird that I would live a life that honors her and I have to try. Everyday.
I also made a promise to Nate that I would keep up my half of the mortgage on our brand new place and I don't want to let him down. I also don't want to be homeless.
There are a million things I have to do in order to get Little Bird’s Cookie Service off the ground, but thanks to the California Homemade Food Act (AB1616), I’m one step closer to realizing my dream of baking from home and selling my goods. Chances are I probably won't be able to keep up my half of the mortgage on this venture alone, but it's positive movement in a world where the hits just keep on coming. It helps to have an amazing partner who supports what I'm doing (as long as I come up with a concrete plan before the end of the month).
So....I have to stay focused. Baking is something I love to do. Singing is also something I love to do, and when it doesn't hurt to listen to them, I'm eventually going to find a way to incorporate the recordings I have of Ligaya's heartbeat into a series of lullabies. I'm dying to create something out of the ashes...out of the sadness...from of the strength of what's left of my heart. I am powered by the love I have for my daughter. I will not let death defeat us.
So watch this space....
Love, light, and Ligaya - CS
