Yes, I was somewhat of a judgmental bitch, and in all honesty, I still can be a judgmental --- yet apologetic --- bitch when it comes to comparing other people's problems to my own (I am so, so sorry.....but mine's worse than yours. Booyah!). But that's not right. Everyone has their own story, their own personal tragedies, their own hurt that they carry in their heart. We're all different and we're all just trying to find our way to the mothership. I'm slowly getting that.
Alas, I returned to work last week. Work stress? Sure. In a perfect world where babies don't die, I could tackle the drama and the politics and the 500 pounds of paper sitting on my desk like a champ (Staff Member of the Year 2010-2011). I've done it for a long time. Paychecks are nice --- buuuut obviously it's not a perfect world. And really - I don't need more stuff.
So now I've gone and done it. I've made the decision to leave my job. Here is a conversation between myself and myself shortly after turning in my irrevocable notice of resignation (because that's how I do...I question my decisions after it's too late to do anything about it):
"What? In THIS economy? You don't mean the union job you can never be fired from with the amazing benefits and the steady paycheck and all those paid vacation days that taxpayers and everyone else in the real job world complain about and hate you for? People would kill for your job. Shouldn't you be, like, grateful or something?" said Me.
"Yep, that's the one," said Me.
"But...but...BUT you have the new house and the bills and THE SADNESS and you're so, SO impulsive - you DO remember the $40,000 Volvo that you just HAD to have, right? You ended up selling it back to the dealership after three months and lost like $7,000!"
"Yes, that car was for Ligaya. I don't regret it. Besides, angels don't sweat safety ratings. And yeah, I'm sad, but I want to do good by my girl. I have hope in my heart. I believe there are better things I could be doing, you know? Things that can make a difference in my life and in the lives of others...going back to music, baking, giving piano lessons...you know...stuff like that there. And by the way, you're a jerk for trying to make me doubt myself."
"I'm not a jerk! I'm just concerned about your future. Your cookies are ok and you sing a'ight, but your ass is gonna go broke. Like...SUPER. Bye bye $40 Kiehl's ultra facial moisturizer. Goodbye to eating out all the time - you're gonna have to learn how to cook things that don't involve flour, butter, or sugar. It's called "real food", Sucka."
"Wow, you're really somethin'. No, I probably won't make a lot of money, but I think I'll be ok in the end. Dude, are we done here? You're really annoying. And look, I made spaghetti noodles."
"Well oooook, but you're probably going to regret this later. I KNOW YOU."
"Nah, I'd regret it more if I stayed. That place makes me want to punch people in the throat all the time. Little Bird doesn't like it when I start thinking about burning down buildings and flipping cars over with the power of my own mind. It's a little unsettling. And you know what? You don't know me. I'm not that same me anymore."
Truth - I'm not the same. And while I don't exactly know who I am these days because I'm constantly having to adjust to a world that keeps on moving constantly --- even when I want to be still --- I do know that staying in an environment that makes me want to inflict bodily harm on people isn't the way to go (even if the people I want to harm totally deserve it).
Nope, this place isn't on the roadmap to healing. Staying here and being unhappy about work while being unhappy over what happened to my daughter makes for unhappy multiplied by infinity. This isn't the way to honor Ligaya. So I'm out. Sure, I've got the voices in my head (and my therapist) telling me that I'm making the wrong decision, the right decision, a stupid decision, the smartest decision, the worst decision, and the best, so I'm just gonna go with my gut. Gut says GO.
I'm less than 4 months out from the loss of my daughter. Monday was her projected due date. That was hard and I'm having a difficult time clawing myself out of the dark. It's a constant struggle to even get just a glimpse of the light. I'm no expert, but this is what I do know from first hand experience ---living while grieving takes every ounce of energy you have. What little I try to build up doesn't need to be expended on straight up bitches and a job that no longer fulfills my greater needs. Time to put that energy somewhere else. Yes, I have a history of being impulsive when it comes to certain things, but I have a different purpose in life now and a greater understanding and appreciation for just how precious and short it really is.
So --- I'm going to focus on healing, pray for guidance, listen to my heart, feel Ligaya's wings envelop me, and fly this coop. Am I scared? Hell yes. But THE WORST thing that could ever possibly happen to me has already happened and I'm still standing. Anything else can be remedied in some way...somehow. The risk is worth it, so leap.
These help whenever I need a boost (I always keep the good ones):
And I certainly couldn't get through any of this without Nate's love and support. Any of it. That's why I've kept this one for years and years and years:
Love, Light, and Ligaya - CS
