A few days after Ligaya passed away, Nate and I visited the
infant section of Pacific View Memorial Park to select her space. As I walked
among the tiny graves, I read the dates and wondered what it was like for the
parents who buried their children 2 years ago - 5 years ago - 10. A crazy part
of me envied them for being so far out from their losses when it was so fresh
for us. I didn’t realize then that it doesn’t matter if it’s been 1 year or 25
or 50 – you will forever have the “empty spot” - a piece of your heart that’s
missing because they’re missing.
There
is no replacement for what we have lost. It is simply too great. Sure, the pain
isn’t as raw and intense as those first few weeks, and some days I wake up with
pancakes on the brain…but I am always aware that she isn’t here. I am always
missing her. That remains a constant in this weird, new universe.
Today is
Ligaya’s birthday. Happy birthday,
Little Bird!
What a strange feeling to be one year out now. I wanted it,
then dreaded its approach because I was scared of the pain it would bring.
And now it’s here.
But the ache is no greater than it was yesterday, or the day
before, or the day before that, because I miss her today JUST as much as I did yesterday, and the day before, and
the day before that. There is no “more” or “less” of missing her as time
passes. We will carry that load for the rest of our lives.
What does continue to grow? Love…courage…acceptance…an
appreciation for life that wasn’t there before…and strength. So much strength
powered by the love for the bravest little soul we have ever known.
How very fast it went – this year.
Time on earth is funny and fickle in an almost cruel sort of
way – busted three-legged turtle speed while on bedrest and 186,000 miles per
second every moment since then. I take comfort in knowing that it isn’t
measured where she is – time doesn’t exist in that sacred space. One day she’ll
turn around after giving our dog Pudge a belly rub, and just see me, and it’ll
be like I had always been there.
One year.
Nate and I have spent the last 365 days, 525,600 minutes,
countless steps, breaths, tears and millions of what-if’s, what could have
been’s, and what should be’s holding each other up when the pain has felt like
it was going to break us into thousands of tiny pieces. Our family and friends have been a huge
support to us during this time as well, and we are so, so thankful to everyone
for everything. I may have forgotten to send out the thank you cards, but I haven’t
forgotten you.
This song…I recorded this when I was still pregnant with Ligaya. It was a promise to take care of her, protect her, fix anything that needed fixing, or at the very least, die trying in the process. In the end, I had no control over what happened, no matter how hard I tried. I understand that now. Now, it is Ligaya who fixes us. She is the light that will guide us home in the end. From the first time I saw her tiny heart flicker on the screen at 5 weeks, I always knew she would be the light that would guide me home.
A year ago today, a beautiful baby girl with the most
perfect little face came into this world- my Little Bean, our Little Bird. Her
mighty heart danced, sang, and beat like a thousand drums for two hours. Me and
Nate are stronger together today because of Ligaya. It is the gift she left us on the
day she was born.
Happy birthday, Ligaya Isabella Harrison. We love and miss you every second that we are breathing.
Happy birthday, Ligaya Isabella Harrison. We love and miss you every second that we are breathing.
Love, Light, and Ligaya - CS
