A challenge for my weary brain

I was at the gas station the other day and the strangest thing happened. I forgot my PIN #. At first, I was furious at myself for not playing more chess or learning to read and write Chinese because I read somewhere that that’s supposed to help fight Alzheimer’s. I hightailed it out of the gas station Thelma without Louise (or gas) style, thinking that the flashing “see attendant now” notice meant I was in for some trouble – like the “you are so busted because they think you are trying to use a card that does not belong to you” kind of trouble.

I cruised into in a Target parking lot and gave myself a little pep talk, trying to convince myself that the PIN # would magically come to me if I just bought something from a place where I practically lived.  So - I slowly walked up to the register armed only with the cold sweat running down my back, God’s love, and some scotch tape (why…why tape when I needed paper towels?).  After exchanging a few pleasantries with the nice Target girl, I slid my card through, and let my fingers do the walking. What can I say? It worked. I didn’t even look at the keypad. That’s some 10-key skills right there. My brain knows Target. My heart loves Target.

Weird, right? No - not so weird! Do you know how many passwords I have stored in my brain? Multiple passwords for work, email, your mama’s email (ok, no), several different bank accounts (don’t ask). Seriously. There is a lot of mental diarrhea going on up there and it’s no wonder I was left temporarily stupid at the gas station.

Now that it’s been ascertained I am not suffering from Alzheimer’s, I have decided to put my brain through some rigorous exercise. However, rather than play chess (makes me sleepy) or learn Chinese (too hard), I’m just going to focus on developing my baking skills some more. Tomorrow I will attempt to bake blindly - NO, not with a blindfold -  I’m talking without a recipe, relying solely on my somewhat faulty memory, crazy intuition, and insight from Nate’s old “Where There’s a Will There’s an A” study videos.

If all goes well, I have a story to tie in about the summer my grandma and I baked a number of cheesecakes that never seemed to turn out right – the summer before she got sick and we never had a chance to bake together again. If things don’t work out…I guess that story still fits. 

And if it doesn’t go well, I’ll just try again until I get it right......or until I surrender due to the high price of ingredients being no joke. 

Oh mascarpone, how I love you

At first glance, the cinnamon rolls I pulled out of the oven this morning seemed like a really cruel joke, kinda like a size L in a Forever 21 store. They didn’t look like they were supposed to – the whole thing looked more like a cinnamon roll cake, or monkey bread gone wrong. I cursed myself for not getting up before the rising of the sun to use a traditional yeast recipe.

I didn't, really. I mean, come on - Alton Brown has an "overnight" recipe that takes almost 12 hours to complete. No, no, no. I specifically wanted no-fuss/no-yeast cinnamon rolls because what normal person has that kind of time on their hands?

In the end, it all turned out quite nicely, and I found myself giving a round of applause to the star player,  frosting.  Hooray for mascarpone frosting!  I think I made the wrong type (more like whipped topping), but when slathered over the hot rolls, it melted into a beautiful glaze that transformed the whole look and feel of the dish (messy, moist, and gooey - just as cinnamon rolls should be). This was a lot of work and I'm not really sure I'd attempt them again anytime soon. They were a hit at the office though, and that always makes me happy.

 

Cinnamon rolls with mascarpone frosting:
Adapted from gastronomyblog.com: https://sites.google.com/site/gastronomyrecipes/cinnamon-rolls-with-cream-cheese-icing

 Filling

• 3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves (since cloves have never been on my list of “must have’s” I used pumpkin pie spice, which is a combination of ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, & allspice)
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter, melted


Dough

• 2 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting the work surface
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/4 cups buttermilk (I used 1 cup skim milk and ¼ cup of heavy whipping cream since I didn't have buttermilk and didn't have time to make my own)
• 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

Directions
1. Adjust an oven rack to the middle position and heat the oven to 425°F. Grease both a 9-inch nonstick round cake pan and a wire cooling rack. If you have nonstick cooking spray, use that.

2. The melted butter is used in both the filling and the dough. Melt the total amount (7 tablespoons) all at once in a heatproof measuring cup, and use as the recipe calls for it.

3. For the filling, combine the brown sugar, granulated sugar, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice (or cloves), salt, and 1 tablespoon melted butter together in a medium bowl until the mixture resembles wet sand.

4. For the dough, whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together in a large bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk the milk, cream, and 2 tablespoons of melted butter together. Stir the milk/cream mixture into the flour mixture with a spoon until absorbed (about 30 seconds).

5. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured work surface and knead until smooth, about 1 minute. I had to use quite a bit of flour because the dough was really sticky (I must have gone wrong somewhere)

6. Pat the dough with your hands into a 12 by 9-inch rectangle. Brush the dough with 2 tablespoons melted butter. Sprinkle the dough evenly with the brown sugar filling, leaving a 1/2-inch border. Press the filling firmly into the dough. I got a little wild at this point and threw in a handful of toasted pecans. I just spread them throughout the filling.

7. Use a scraper or metal spatula to loosen the dough from the work surface. Starting at a long side, roll the dough, pressing lightly, to form a tight log. Pinch the seam to seal. Roll the log seam-side down and cut it evenly into however many pieces you want – I came up with 8. Turn the pieces over on their flat sides, and with your hand, slightly flatten each piece of dough to seal the open edges and keep the filling in place.

8. Place 1 roll in the center of the prepared pan and then place the remaining rolls around the perimeter of the pan. Brush the rolls with the remaining 2 tablespoons butter (I forgot this damn step).

9. Bake until the edges are golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes (20 minutes worked for me).

10. Use an offset metal spatula to loosen the buns from the pan. Wearing oven mitts, place a large plate over the pan and invert the buns onto the plate. Place the greased cooling rack over the plate and invert the buns onto the rack. This is risky business, be careful.

11. Cool a few minutes before frosting.

 

Frosting:

From: http://www.marthastewart.com/313528/mascarpone-frosting

• 1 cup heavy cream

• 8 ounces mascarpone cheese, room temperature

• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted

Directions

1. With an electric mixer on medium speed, whisk heavy cream until stiff peaks form (be careful not to overbeat, or cream will be grainy).

2. In another bowl, whisk together mascarpone and confectioners' sugar until smooth.

3. Gently fold whipped cream into mascarpone mixture until completely incorporated.

4. Frost your rolls!

 

 

Talk about a case of the Mondays...

In these economic times, I know I should be grateful for having a job. And I am. Really. But sometimes, the idea of spending another 20 years of my life here doing the same thing every single damn day makes me want to punch myself in the face. Repeatedly. Wake up!

There aren’t many things that I can say I’m good at. I’m a fairly decent baker, a good daughter, sister, girlfriend. I was voted staff member of the year at the big college I work for because I’m such a good employee (Googling recipes and weight loss before and after pics, notwithstanding). I type like my fingers are on fire. Go me, what a skill. But the number one thing I can do? Sing.

I love singing. I also hate it. I hate it because I don’t get to do it for a living. I know that’s a choice. If I really wanted to, I could pursue a career in music like so many other people I know. I could also starve like them. I just don’t know how to pursue it without feeling like my heart will break into a million pieces if it doesn’t work out. Because really, how often does it work out? I don’t even want to be famous. I just want to be able to make money doing something I love.

Hmm, but I also want a house. How likely is it that a bank will approve your loan application if you list “street performer” as your occupation? “Tips only” as your primary source of income?

There's a quote that I really like:

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. - from the Gospel of Thomas (or Peter Straub, according to another website)

I’m 35, but I'm already regretting at 50 what I didn’t do today. That's sad. When I was 20, 35 seemed like a funny, far-off place. Yet here I am in this not-so-funny, mixed-up place, with regrets I pull behind me like a long string of tin cans. I collect them as I go, and as the years pass by, the rattling behind me grows ever deafening.

Maybe I should just try. Try something. Start a little bakery, audition for a reality TV singing show, buy a food truck and specialize solely in desserts because I don't know how to cook, get some voiceover training so I can sing in commercials and receive a royalty check every time they play my stuff. If I don’t do something soon, the desire to break free will ultimately lose out to the fear, and the sadness stemming from an inability to take action - any kind of action at all -  will eventually devour me whole. At that point, punching myself in the face will have seemed like a good idea….the realization too late in coming.

And on that note, here are some Chocolate-chip Banana Muffins to get this week started!

Adapted from allrecipes.com

Ingredients

• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup plain yogurt (I used ¼ cup heavy whipping cream & ¼ cup skim milk because I didn’t have yogurt)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup mashed ripe bananas
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips (I went with a whole cup)

Directions

1. In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt.

2. In another bowl, combine the egg, oil, yogurt, heavy cream, and milk. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Do not over mix.

3. Fold in bananas and chocolate chips.

4. Fill greased or paper-lined muffin cups two-thirds full. Bake at 350 degrees F for 22-25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. (I pulled mine out at 19 minutes because I was going to be late to work. They came out perfect…moist and chocolatey. Not overdone or under – just right)

5. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks (I didn’t have time to cool these suckers so I just threw them in a carrier and took them to work)

Photo by Bebe B.

My heart, how it sings

Sigh. The ultimate tower of chocolate cake I visualized all yesterday afternoon turned into the ultimate tower of equal parts FAIL and SUCK when it came to execution. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong. Greased pans, check. Floured? Damn, how could I forget that? Was that the misstep? Maybe. Or, more likely, in my haste to get the party started, I just didn’t let the layers cool long enough before taking them out of the pan. In a fit of rage, I crumbled most of the mess into tiny little pieces.


This was going to be a celebration cake for my dad, a “thank freakin’ God cake”, really. The good news we got yesterday regarding his cancer status made my heart grow 100 times bigger in my chest. But, because I am a firm (and oft times, misguided) believer in signs – granted, my own made-up ones (a hummingbird came out of nowhere and grazed my head – obviously that means I’m going to be a millionaire!), it’s got me worried again. What does it REALLY mean when your cake falls apart like that? When you think you've done everything right and it still doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped? I've baked this cake a million times and have never had any problems before. But now, rubble is everywhere - the floor, the table….my hair. Destruction. Creation. Life. Death. Transformation.

From the 3 nine-inch cake rounds, I salvaged enough of the solid pieces to create a small chocolate heart filled with vanilla butter cream. It certainly isn’t very pretty, but it’s intact and it’s moist, just like a cake should be. And even though I didn’t get to build my ultimate tower of chocolate, I still consider it a celebration cake. I’m still so thankful for everything…everything....for a heart that’s been left whole, unbroken.

(The rest of the crumbs are in my fridge. I know this sets the stage for cake pops, but I hate cake pops, so I’m going to stretch the boundaries of my creativity to come up with something else. Was the invention of cake pops similar to the origins of the chocolate chip cookie? An accident? How could it not be? Why on earth would someone ruin a cake like that? Genius, though. Seriously – I see those things everywhere).

Photo by my talented friend, Bebe B.

Even a cookie can't save me now

Into the mixer goes the butter, cold butter. Then sugar, like sand, two colors - white and superfine, like the kind you find in an hourglass;  brown and hardpacked, like the kind that's been kissed by the ocean. Toss in a few eggs, a dash of real vanilla- never imitation - never; Off to the side, the flour has been patiently waiting its turn after a quick round of introductions with the baking soda and a pinch of salt. Ready for the magic to begin? Combine the two worlds, wet and dry, and stir in nuts that have been lightly toasted in cinnamon; add chips - semi-sweet, milk chocolate, white - whatever makes your day. Inhale. Taste. Spoon out. Bake at 375. Watch - or occupy yourself with something else for the next 8 minutes.

In 8 minutes I can change out the laundry and throw in a new load. I can walk a few laps around my complex and check my mailbox (again) for the iPad cover my BFF made by hand and said she sent over a week ago for my birthday. I can pick up a book, then get distracted by the smells from my kitchen. Or, I can do research. I can google all the different types of  lymphomas and have a schizo conversation with God blasting him for deciding it was my dad's turn to take a spin on the cancer-go-round, and thanking him because out of all the cancers to get, it's the "best" kind since it's the most treatable. In 8 minutes I can beat myself up pretty good for not going into the field of medicine. Surely I would have come up with a cure by now - I mean, it's my dad...and I'd do anything for my dad.  I'd try, I'd really, really try to fix him.

In 8 minutes, the timer will go off and even these won't save me now: 

Thanks again, Bebes for taking the picture(s)...

UPDATE: In a coversation with my dad that took less than 8 minutes, I found out that there are no significant changes to his condition (this is good). Cancer is still there, but not wreaking havoc in his system. These are slow growing tumors and the doctor is taking a "let's just monitor them for now" approach, which sounds ridiculous, but is the lesser of two evils (more chemo would do more harm at this point). His next CT scan is in a few months and we'll hop on the cancer-go-round yet again at that time. For now, I think one of these is in order:

Mini-cheesecakes caught on camera...

Cameras are being installed in our office! For security purposes, supposedly, but I know what they're trying to do. They're trying to monitor how much work isn't getting done because I'm too busy looking up dessert recipes and weight loss before and after pictures. Well! Had I not delved into the world of mini-cheesecakes (not the kind where you stick a Nilla wafer on the bottom of a cupcake liner), I never would have been able to create these:

This was my second attempt at this madness (the first batch came out lumpy and was quickly introduced to la basura). The graham cracker crust was a bit too crumbly for my liking this time around, but the consistency was lump free (room temperature cream cheese, people...room temperature cream cheese).

MINI VANILLA CHEESECAKES

Adapted from cakeonthebrain.blogspot.com who adapted it from the Williams Sonoma recipe on the back of the bakeware box (I used a Chicago metallic mini-cheesecake pan, but didn't like the recipe on the box)

For the Crusts: 1 cup (114 g) chocolate cookie or vanilla wafer crumbs (I blended up some graham crackers)
2 T sugar
pinch of salt
2 T unsalted butter, melted

For the Filling: 16 oz (500 g) cream cheese
2 eggs
1/4 cup (60 ml) heavy cream
1/2 cup (125g) sugar (I added 1 tsp of pure vanilla)

pinch of salt

For decoration: I used strawberries with dark chocolate shavings and blueberries with white chocolate shavings

1. Have all the ingredients at room temperature. Preheat oven to 350degreesF. Lightly grease the cups of the 12-cup cheesecake pan.

2. To make the crusts, stir together the cookie crumbs, sugar and salt in a small bowl. Add the melted butter and stir until combined. Divide the mixture evenly among the cups and using your fingertips, press it evenly into the bottom (it's probably a good idea to measure out the crumbs so you get consistent looking mini-cheesecakes, to be perfectly honest with you. If you don't measure, you will end up with wonky looking cheesecake botoms like mine)

3. Bake until the crusts are set, about 10 minutes. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let cool completely. Reduce the heat to 300degreesF.

4. To make the filling, in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the flat beater, beat the cream cheese on low speed until smooth, 2 to 3 minutes. Increase the speed to medium-low and add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the cream and beat until incorporated, about 1 minute. Add the sugar and salt and beat until incorporated, about 2 minutes, stopping the mixer occasionally to scrape down the sides of the bowl.

5. Pour the batter into the crusts, dividing it evenly among the cups (the batter should be looking pretty smooth operator at this point). Bake until the cheesecakes are set, about 18 minutes (the recipe says 20 minutes, but the first time I did that they came out overdone. Every oven is different though, so just watch for it. A little jiggly-ishy on top doesn't necessarily mean it's undercooked. These things will still continue to cook for a little bit even after you pull them out of the oven).

6. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let cool completely. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours beore unmolding (I overnighted these babies).

7. To unmold, gently push up to remove the cheesecake from the cup (carefully, carefully). Use a small spatula or butter knife to remove the cake from the metal bottom. If the cheesecakes are sticking to the pan, gently run a toothpick around each cheesecake to loosen it before pushing it out of the cup. Makes 12 mini cheesecakes.

Special thanks to my good friend Bebe B. for the photo shoot at the office today. We make HR fun.