Ligaya Isabella Harrison - 10/14/18

Her name was Ligaya Isabella Harrison and she would’ve been 6 this year.  

You’d think that after 6 years the pain would be slightly muted, a little less sharp as my focus is so honed in on a 2-year old that requires almost all of my attention, almost all of the time. Honestly, most days that is the case, and aside from the yearning and the knowing - that terrible knowledge that we are missing a big piece of our little family – most days we are happy. We feel blessed to have what we have.  It’s taken me awhile to feel ok saying that. To understand that I can be happy, while still somewhat broken. To feel whole, though missing a large section of my heart.  

The month of October is hard for me. But when the tears come, I let them....and little by little, the pressure and anxiety and sadness and anger that’s built up until we hit her birthday is slowly released and I can breathe again.  

She would’ve been 6 this year and quite possibly my little mini-me, with a book in hand and a song in her back pocket. Or maybe, she’d be like her baby sister Lia, another miniature Nate, the two of them running around in circles on the grass like maniacs while I laugh from the sidelines and thank all the stars in the universe for letting me call them mine. I wish I knew.  

  

Her name was Ligaya Isabella Harrison and she would’ve been 6 this year.

Happy New Year, it's 2018! The biannual blog post...

And here we are – halfway through 2018. Lia is just a few months shy of turning 2 years old, which means I'm behind by almost a year with any updates. So many updates!  I don't even know where to start.  They weren't kidding – a year in the life of/with a toddler sure goes fast. Super fast. It seriously feels like a blink...a short intake and exhale of breath before that quick hop across the line that divides infancy from full blown toddlerhood. Sweetest Pea is now a talking, singing, dancing, climbing, jumping on EVERYTHING, almost 2-year old. She is resilient, persistent, and fearless. She is what I wish I could be. She is expert level in the art of saying "NO".  I still have trouble with doing that in life. She can count from 1-10 in English, Spanish, French, and Tagalog. I still have trouble with that in life, too (I'm just gonna blame everything on "mom brain"). She's memorized countless songs and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night singing at the top of her lungs. She is everything I dreamed of. She owns my heart.  

I quit my job over a year ago and haven't looked back since. Sure – I can't buy expensive coffee drinks everyday anymore or buy up everything on Amazon like I used to (the hell was I thinking buying all those craft supplies?! I'm not even a little good at that kind of stuff), but that's ok. Because being able to stay home with her and watching her grow into an incredible little human? Yeah, that's so much sweeter than anything I could ever order at Starbucks. Are there days when I need time to myself? Jesus, yes! Species = human. I'm thankful for the amount of support I get from my family in taking care of her during those times. 
 

In order to leave my job, we had to make a few sacrifices. We rented out our bigger condo to move into the tiny starter that we bought back in 2003. When I say tiny, I mean TINY AF.  Years ago, we had a contractor come in to look at our kitchen for a remodel and he laughed for a good 2 minutes while measuring our counter space. By counter space I mean zero space. There's not really a counter and I'm constantly cursing whoever designed this joint back in 1989 because this makes baking really hard. 

Speaking of baking, I'm taking on a few orders here and there again for Little Bird's Cookie Service. I'm not advertising much because it's hard to bake at the same time as trying to stop Lia from doing backflips off the couch. The dough goes flying, Lia goes flying - it's a 350 degree mess up in here. And again – NO COUNTER SPACE. I recently went through a short baking phase where I was making something new every day. Cakes, cookies, tarts, cinnamon rolls, cream puffs, eclairs – I loved it! But then I got fatter than I already was, so that came to an abrupt end per my doctor's instructions. Then it hit me – man, if I just spent the same amount of time on working out as I do on baking, I'd be like totally on the road to Olympic fitness again (ok, not "again". There is no "again". I did a triathlon once. 10 long years ago. One time.  I just say that because I'm still, and forever will be, mistaken in thinking I'm more athlete than mathlete.)  

So now I'm back to working through the lifelong struggle that is being overweight. I'm happy to report that for the past 10 days I have managed to stay fairly bad-carb free. I've also worked out each day doing a combination of HIIT and strength training. Go me! Getting through those first few days with NOT EVEN ONE freaking donut was hard, but I busted through that mental carbage and now feel pretty great. It gets a tiny bit easier every day to make the right choice between a slice of chocolate cake and a nice medium rare steak with a sexy side of hot mashed cauliflower.  Besides, every year when I sing the National Anthem for the Angels, I tell myself that this is the season I won't be so jumbo on the Jumbotron. Dude, it's been 12 years and nothing has changed. Seriously....not even my outfits.  Well, I'm making good on that promise now because they got a new scoreboard this year and it is super extra. That devil screen is HUGE and BRIGHT and CLEAR. I've already sung a few times and it's not flattering. There is nothing like staring at your own big face on the Jumbotron while trying to sing. So bring on the asparagus! Wow, who am I???  

Who am I? I'm Lia's and Ligaya's mom, Nate's best half (his words, not mine...gosh, he's sweet), a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, singer, baker, and a reformed serial/cereal eater. I can finally do a full push-up – more than one even – and I'm starting to feel mentally and physically good these days.  It's been a really long time since I've been able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling shame and anger over how much I've let things go. That's enough. The truth is I've got a lot to live for and I want to set a good example for my kid. Self-care is important. Really, really important -  for your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself, too. 

It's nice to be back.  Hello, World – good to see you again.