I’m a late bloomer when it comes to pregnancy and
childbirth. Contrary to popular delusion, 40 is NOT the new 30 when it comes to
not only growing a human being inside of you, but also taking care of said (adorable)
human practically ‘round the advanced maternal age clock. BUT – that's just me. I'm fat and sleep deprived with a receding hairline due to my hormones going back to "normal". And can I just say - WTF? I'm 40? When did that happen?
What a ride! I wouldn’t have
had it any other way. Because every road, as broken and as crooked as it has
been over the course of the last 4 years since losing our precious first born,
Ligaya, has led us to Lia Faith. I am so
thankful. But God, how I wish Ligaya was here, too. I just know she would’ve
been my little helper and the best big sister EVER, and we’d laugh at all of our
silly selfies and she would never complain when I say, “Quick, grab mommy
another diaper, Lia has JUST set off
another nuclear bomb in her onesie!” And man, how we’d laugh and dance and do
whatever we could to make Lia smile and giggle more than she already does.
There are so many things. So, so many things.
I know Ligaya watches over us though….like the time(s) I
fell asleep while breastfeeding and woke up to a confused baby stuck halfway
under my left boob. That could’ve been a disaster and I’m still furious with
myself for that. It wasn't even her favorite boob. I’m so grateful for Little Bird’s help from above. Lia, Nate, and I talk to her every night. She will always be a part of us.
Lia was born on September 16, 2016. She came out screaming
at the top of her lungs and it was the best sound that Nate and I have ever
heard. We sobbed as the whole operating room erupted into applause and offered
us their congratulations on having a healthy baby girl. What an entirely
different experience from 4 years ago when we were met with only the sound of silence
and the neonatologist counting off compressions as he did CPR on Ligaya. To be
honest, Nate and I didn’t know what to expect with Lia. I was going into the
C-section 5 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia and contractions that just would
not give my oversensitive, special snowflake of a uterus a freaking break.
Anyway, we were terrified it would be like before - that we
would once again leave the hospital with only a small memory box, for how big
could such a thing be with only a short amount of time to make any
memories? Everything seemed eerily
familiar as I was wheeled into the operating room, even though it was a
different hospital. Then the teams burst in, declared it a good day for a birthday
party, and started bumping top 40 hits over a loud speaker. Lia came out to 21
Pilots’ song “Ride”. The whole experience was surreal and I still haven’t taken
it completely apart yet for close examination. It's too big. I’m just so glad she made it
here safe and sound.
It’s been almost 5 months since Lia made her grand appearance
and every single day brings a new surprise. She is so quick and curious and I
love watching her discover new things (Lia: I have hands?!? I have hands! I. HAVE. HANDS!!! I can eat these all day long! I can roll over?!? WAAAT. I can roll
over!!! I’m going to roll over all day long!). She is so strong-willed, yet sweet
(Lia: I. HATE. NAPS. I will punch naps in the face….but I love snuggling and
talking to you, mama). And her smile…her smile makes my universe. She is the
absolute love of my life (sorry, Nate). She brings us so much joy – so much it
hurts my heart. Seriously. I’m terrified every single
second of the day that it can all be taken away again. Remember how I was
during my pregnancy? I’m still like that…it’s just a whole new set of fears. Postpartum
depression and anxiety are very real things. Google is still the devil's playground and I frequently drop in for visits.
Anyway, I’m way behind on this blog. My brain can’t seem to
form sentences the way it used to. Exhaustion is a dangerous thing and I now
understand why sleep deprivation is considered an enhanced interrogation
technique. Gitmo’ sleep, yo!
Right now, I grab it in bits and pieces, and that’s A-OK by me. Lia may scream bloody
murder when she’s fighting sleep, but I’m thankful for every blessed second I have her. She’s
here. She’s healthy. She made it.
My Sweetest Pea made it.
 |
| The look of love...and sheer exhaustion |
