I'm 38 and 13 all at the same time. But who's counting?

38. What in the hell? It feels like just yesterday that I was crying into a cupcake (or five) after the clock struck midnight and ding-dong ditched a flaming bag of caca on the doorstep of my 20’s.

 

Welcome to 30, Sucka!!! It stinks!

 

This past decade has gone by so fast. Remember how, back in the olden days, the school year seemed to drag on and on until summer vacation decided to finally roll up like a lazy pimp? Man, two months of blessed relief from homework, no more drama of the “Oh my God, am I wearing the right socks today?!  KILL ME NOW they’re not navy blue” variety (I miss you, SJB), and a brief hiatus from destroying the ozone layer with multiple cans of Aquanet.  

Holes in the ozone layer, oh no.

 

I miss those days. Long road trips across the good ol’ US of A with my family, seeing lightning strike throughout the rolling plains the way the hand of God should across a Kardashian’s face (hang on, this was pre-Kardashian, but you know what I mean),  fighting in the backseat with my brothers over who stunk more, memorizing every  Beatles song along the way, coming home to watch a crapload of TV, having my biggest decision be which book to read for the day, and establishing pro-level skills at Sonic the Hedgehog.

In this game, I WAS the lord of the rings



 

Sweet freedom and innocence!  A much different world than I know now. Why’d I have to become a grown-up? Where did the time go?  Can I get a redo? How about a refund?

Time. I really haven't been a good keeper of it since losing Ligaya on October 14, 2012. “Calendar” is just a word now, a moving target, a thing on my iPhone I can’t figure out since updating to the latest iOS. Please don’t ask me what the date is or even the day, because chances are, it will take me awhile  to calculate where we are based on when the last holiday or National Anthem appearance was.

 

Friday, August 8, 2014 - Anthem for the Angels vs. Red Sox game

I’ve said this before, but in those first few days after losing Ligaya, all I wanted to do was move as far away from that pain as possible. It hurt so much. So damn much. It still does, but in different ways. People ask if I still have bad days – absolutely! But the “ok” days do outnumber the bad ones, and the focus has shifted from reliving the trauma of the experience over and over again in my mind, to now wondering what she would be like at almost 2 years old had she made it. This blog would probably be about the many ways a toddler can enrich your life and have you looking like a budding alopecia patient instead of just being a rush of words tumbling from a mind addled with weight loss promises and bursts of anger against my fellow man (not just Nate). 

 

Though she is always with me in spirit, these days I feel Ligaya’s absence most when I see her face in every baby or small child I come across. This is the change - the difference and degree in levels of pain just depends on the moment.

And that’s what life has become - a continuous, crooked line of moments, movement, and decision making. Moments of sadness, joy, hope, despair, stillness, silence, activity, reflection, denial, and acceptance. Moving forward, but not on, for I could never leave her behind. Decisions on when to start again, if we should start again, if we should just pack up and become wanderers of the land like that Ralph Lauren designer who lives out of a bus and surfs all day (come on now though, how much money do you already need to have to attempt something that? Incidentally, Nate would love this plan if he wasn’t so obsessed with paying bills and being responsible all the time).

 

I could totally live here! Goodbye, everyone!

 

38. In the week leading up to my birthday, we had a very important decision to make and it made us realize how far we’ve come in the healing process, how far we have yet to go, and what we truly want. I called upon my daughter’s light to help guide our way, and as usual, she gave us a sign that we made the right choice in the end.

A hummingbird at the LA Public Library

 

Our Little Bird has left us many gifts, one of which is clarity and the ability to make tough life decisions with forgiveness and without regret (life decisions – not food decisions, mind you). For a long time after the loss, it was about self-preservation, but I have reached an understanding that some decisions are much bigger than just taking into account my “self”.

I feel a change coming. A good one.  It’s in the air and my intuition is usually spot-on. In the past two years I have learned to trust my gut.  I have learned to tell the difference between being crippled by fear and simply pausing to listen to the inner voice that steers me away from harm.  I know I am far from wise, but our loss has taught me more about life than I had ever hoped to know.

Hello, treinta y ocho. Vamanos.

 

 Love, Light, and Ligaya - CS