Nate asked me if focusing so much on our loss meant I was
not fully appreciating this new experience. Conversely, does fully appreciating
this experience mean I no longer feel the loss? No, it doesn't.
I do know this is a different pregnancy, but
sometimes…
In that slippery middle space between sleep and wakefulness, I call
this child by a name I used to call her sister and am immediately overcome with
guilt. Guilt for both the girl that once was but never grew up to be, and guilt
for the girl who now lives inside of me. I believe this happens more often than not –
that the blurred lines of a life gone and a life given are a result of my mind
trying to deal with both the heartbreak and hope-filled possibility of a long
awaited dream come true.
I once likened my
“new normal” to a delicate tightrope walk – an attempt at balancing a life of
simultaneously occurring contradictions while desperately inching my way
forward: happiness and grief, hope and despair, denial and acceptance - and now,
life and death.
Having another baby doesn’t mean that you forget the one you
lost. It doesn’t mean that the one who is here will make everything all better.
It is not her job to heal me. It is my job to let her know how very much she is
loved, valued, and wanted. At the end of this journey I will be cradling this
baby girl in my arms while also carrying her sister in my heart. I will carry
them both for always.
I have two. There will always be two.
2 comments:
You're a very wise woman and I continue to be proud of you.
Have you consulted with others in your group that have become parents again about how they dealt with their feelings??
Just wondering. I love your artwork (cranes? swans? Is there a difference?) I hope you string them in your nursery. She'll love them. 💜💜💜
Thank you ❤️
I have...they continue to be a wonderful support system for me. I am the last of the group to finally get pregnant. It's taken awhile, but they've never left my side. Just as you haven't. Love you.
Lol I suppose they could be swans too. I'm going to keep folding and string them across the room at some point. I can see it in my head, now just have to jump in and do it.
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