If you see me walking down the street...walk on by

The night should have ended with pizza and a movie. Instead, I got really good at walking.


Two slices…not too bad if I hadn’t also thrown in some fries and the gluten-free chicken nuggets Lia didn’t finish at dinner. I washed everything down with a coke and attempted to fold my belly back into my pants, but not being one for comedic errors and exercises in futility, I threw them on the floor and changed into my favorite fat yoga pants instead. Ready to tackle some Netflix with Nate since Lia was down for the evening, we set ourselves up on the couch. BUT THEN…


I started feeling the kind of heartburn I felt when I was pregnant with Lia. The sort that’s not easily quelled by a solo fart or resounding belch.  Back then, the only way I was able to work through the burn was to have Nate pat my back like a newborn until the pain dissipated, which would sometimes take hours. Citing a need for relaxation after a stressful day at the home office, he told me to take a walk instead. The nerve. “Well, I’ll show him,” I burped to myself while lacing up my Nikes. 


I found a tangled set of headphones, plugged them into my phone, and set off downstairs to do a few laps around the condo complex. UNTIL…


“Helloooo! Ready to walk with us?! We are the walking crew!”


The hell? It’s like 8:45 pm. Who else is out social distancing while exercising at this time of night? 


I answered after a few seconds. “Hi! I have a 3-year-old upstairs that my husband is watching right now, so I gotta run! I mean walk! Goodbye! Goodnight!" 


I am a nice person. I really am…but I am also shy. I was an introvert before this whole pandemic started. I don’t like talking. I’d rather listen. I’m clumsy in the art of conversation, and in the very few hours I have to myself every day, I prefer to spend my time reading, writing, baking, and watching really bad TV. You know, basic loner stuff. My conversation partners are a guy who talks 500 miles a minute (for those of you who know Nate, you know what I mean) and  3.5 year old whose talking points involve anything from the evolution of Disney princesses to how to successfully break the spiky protein shell of the coronavirus using a broadsword and some sweet Kung Fu moves. Yeah, I really don’t know how to talk to people anymore. So if I’m forced to take a walk, it’s going to be me and either some new jack swing or a true crime podcast to keep me company. 


Damn Nate for making me walk! To make it less awkward, and to make myself feel less guilty for having turned down these perfectly nice complete strangers, I took off at a brisk clip, heartburn and osteoarthritic knee be damned. 


The thoughts came racing: Wow, I’m really doing this! I’m walking so fast! Omg they’re right behind me, I need to go faster. Oh, Jesus, my knee! My knee is garbage! They’re still behind me! I thought I was going fast?! I’m the slowest! The slowest!! Cue the Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD, the East Coast family! Jeffrey Dahmer!!!


Approximately 20 minutes later, I realized I’d done a little more than a mile and that I no longer felt a burning pain in my chest. In my knee, yes, but the heartburn was definitely gone. I walked in the door, gave Nate a triumphant thumbs up, and asked to use him as a crutch to get to the couch. Homie was then nice enough to bundle up 10 frozen Otter Pops to put on my knee. Revitalized by my newfound athleticism, I resisted the urge to break open and slurp down a blue one.


The next morning, I woke up feeling more motivated than I had in years and decided to walk a mile again. I walked another mile later that evening. I repeated this pattern every day for a week before adding in an extra half mile in the afternoons with Lia and Nate. I’ve now been walking for almost 2 months and have gotten faster, even with my bad knee. I’ve not skipped a day, even when it rained for those few weeks in April. It’s become the best habit, and I look forward to this time to myself…for myself…every day.


So, thank you, heartburn. Thank you, people who wanted to walk with me but got turned down because I avoid social interaction the way I avoid trips to Costco. Not only do I feel stronger and have more energy to keep up with Lia and Nate, I’ve lost about 10 pounds and lowered the dosage on my blood pressure medication throughout this whole process. I still have a long way to go on this never ending journey to better health, but I’ll get there…one mile, one true crime podcast, and one golden age of hip hop song at a time.

It's not that I don't like you. I'd just rather listen to Chubb Rock.