Hoarders - Special Bakery Edition

I’m not back in the kitchen yet since I’m still on the road to recovery pedaling away on Father Time’s creepy bicycle, so I decided to do little market research this week instead. No, this was not just a flimsy excuse to stuff my face with overpriced cupcakes and an elusive Hungarian apple strudel – this was an honest to God attempt at …stuffing my face with overpriced cupcakes and an elusive Hungarian apple strudel (so sue me -Victoria’s Secret never called me back). This was a very enlightening exercise, and while the two establishments I visited shared a common bond of flour, butter, and sugar, they couldn’t be more diametrically opposed in terms of a little thing called sanitation.


The first joint – man. The location was great. Corner spot in a place full of old world charm, big sign advertising homemade apple strudel. And it was open! Every other time I’ve been there the damn place has been closed.

Well, remember how I said I’m a germaphobe that can switch off the OCD in the face of hot deliciousness? Not this time. While the lady I met was perfectly lovely and filled with a wealth of knowledge on how to peel apples for Hungarian – not German – apple strudel, I was too distracted by the clutter littered throughout the bakery. How could anyone sit at the tables when there were boxes of crap everywhere? It wasn’t as if they had just moved in. That place has been there for awhile now. Nate picked up an apple that was trying to escape the building and sat it next to a bowl of congealed Cheerios. How does that even happen to Cheerios? I kept an eye out for cat carcasses and cockroaches brave enough to face the light of day, but luckily I didn’t spot any. When she was telling me they also served wonderful, freshly baked croissant sandwiches as if we were standing in the middle of a high end tea salon and not a real time episode of Hoarders, I kept thinking, “Who in their right mind would ever eat here?” Not me, and I’m pretty crazy.

I won’t go into too much detail about the next place I visited since they’re famous, overrated, and overpriced. Nice place with cute girls in matching shirts and ribbons. Cute cupcakes sprinkled with lots and lots of sprinkly goodness. Did I mention overpriced and overrated? I’ve never been impressed with the actual cake part of their business, but I do like their frosting, especially the orange flavor. I asked how often they bake, and the girl said every hour. Every hour??? People really like cupcakes, damn.

If God smiled down upon me and gave me a million bucks and the choice of which bakery I’d like to own, I’d pick the first place hands down. For real. I would demolish it and start from scratch. It would be elegant yet cozy, like Barefoot Contessa but with bigger portions and better theme music. It would smell wonderful and more importantly, be clean, with nary a rodent hair in sight. It would be mine and I’d be so thankful. It’s amazing to me how much potential is sitting right there in that owner’s apple peeling hands. So much potential. Oh well, maybe someday.