And hope, though it may be a scary thing - - - it's everything: 25 weeks

They say that at 18 weeks of pregnancy, babies can start to hear sound, and that by 25-26 weeks, they start to respond to the noises they hear in the womb. My heartbeat, and most assuredly my unfortunate and explosive gas situation, is what she is used to hearing now, and it is my voice she will remember and respond to once she has vacated my premises. This certainly does not deter Nate from shaking a Mexican rainmaker and talking as loud as he can to my belly every night. I’m sure she will know him, too.

I talk and sing to my girl as often as I can – interspersing lullabies with silly low and high pitched humming sounds from deep within my diaphragm because I think she may find the noises soothing. But what the hell do I know? She may find my whale inspired sounds disturbing, probably my mooing, as well. I'm guessing the yodeling could be classified as audibly offensive at times, too.

As a side note: In a not so long ago life, I used to sing – like in front of people. Songs with actual words, some of my own, even. Weddings, parties, funerals, bookstore events, and National Anthem performances for the Angels, Dodgers, and Orange County Sheriff’s Department – I loved it. However, once I got pregnant, I decided to stop due to problems with my blood pressure. Because as much as I love singing at Angels Stadium, there’s nothing like standing in front of a crowd of 40,000+ people to make me want to crap myself – just absolutely crap myself right there behind home plate – before I open my mouth to sing. Doesn’t matter if I’ve done it for the last 12 years. The nerves never go away until I start singing. It is such an honor to be asked back every year, and I just always want to do my best.   

I was sad to cancel my performances for this season, but the Angels organization was so understanding of my situation, just as they were when we lost Ligaya in 2012.  They’ve invited me back for next year and you can be sure we’ll be bringing our Little Sesame in full Angels gear. With baby headphones on. Vaccinated. In a protective bubble. With a sign around the bubble saying “DO NOT TOUCH”. Because you know me and my phobia about germs. Just kidding. Or maybe not.  

Anyway, giving that up is a minor sacrifice for something so great. And like I said earlier, I still sing – just in my own weird way. I’ve also started writing songs again, and even shared a video on Facebook last week of one I wrote called “Little One”. I was so amazed at the response it got! The love and support and feedback truly helped me get through a really tough 24^th week. Thank you to all who watched and listened and shared the video. You have no idea how much it meant to me.

I’m trying to write more music, but it’s such an emotional process. It helps me work through the anxiety and fear of this pregnancy (even though I end up crying most of the time). Music and writing are some of the only ways I am completely able to express myself without fear (or shame, as evidenced by my appearance last week). Try talking to me in person and you’ll see the difference:

You: Hi, how are you?

Me: I love fried chicken. I have gas. And urinary incontinence. Thanks, bye. 

Focusing on music definitely beats spending the day on freaking Google. Trying to veer away from all of the reading material that focuses on the multitude of terrible things that can occur in pregnancy (infections, preterm labor, placental abruption, uterine rupture, pre-eclampsia, the devil I know - incompetent cervix, cord accidents, stillbirth, and so very many more complications I can’t even wrap my mind around), I’ve also started testing out the waters in other more positive areas, like promoting foreign language acquisition while she’s still in the womb….BECAUSE THAT’S EASY. No, I’m just kidding again. Anyway, I only managed to get through 8 French lessons before being put on modified bedrest, and trying to study and have a conversation en Francais with my bubs is really hard. Especially because I only managed to get through 8 French lessons and she’s not exactly in a position to answer me back.

For all the jibber-jabber and musical outbursts, I just want her to know me, to know that I love her, that I acknowledge and honor her. That’s why Nate and I sing and talk and read out loud so much. I do it in case something bad happens because those are the places my mind sometimes takes me, and if something did occur, at least she knew me for a little while. I try to make her feel my love every second that I am breathing.

As we continue the journey, the march to 28 weeks being our next big goal, I find myself starting to let more of the light in. It’s better to stand in the light. I know that, but the darkness came on so quick four years ago, it’s so hard to believe it can really be different this time. The days when I’m optimistic are a victory.  Even with every good doctor appointment we have, I still have that inner snake voice that tells me not to let my guard down. What a dick.

Baby girl is doing SO GREAT as of her growth scan last week and my cervix is clearly redeeming itself this time around. I wish it had done its job the first time too…but we are here now, and that’s what I have to focus on.

25 and we’re alive - just keep swimming – and singing her home to me.