Foodie and the Beast: double, double toil-et trouble

Nate, my best half – my best everything, really - and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to eating. He thinks food is a way of fueling the body to do weird stuff like run, even though no one is chasing him or forcing him at gunpoint to do so. I think of food as a good friend who is always there when I need them, my best go-to pal for when the world is being mean and stupid…which is why I’m fat and he’s not.

 

As Paula Abdul once said, "I'm forever your girl" - oh, and "Opposites Attract" too

 

 

Our Sunday began like this:

 Me: Let’s go get some pies.

Nate: No, we are not getting any pie.  

Me: Piiiessss. Plural.

Nate: We are not getting any pies.

Me: You hate me. You are killing my dream.

Nate: No. You’re killing yourself.

 

Ohhhhh, SNAP. Homeboy got me there.

 

Is he right? Well, yes. Did I force him into submission by threatening to jump out of the moving vehicle?  Not this time. He doesn’t believe me anymore when I say that anyway. Did I pull every other trick from the Book of Crazy to try and get him to feel sorry for me? Absolutely.

 

Here are the highlights:

·  Do you remember Ewan McGregor in “Trainspotting”? You’re making me be him right now.  

·   You’re not my friend.

·   Why did I marry someone with so much hate in their heart?

·   I’m not wearing any underpants.  

·   I bet that guy over there would buy me pie. (Nate: That’s not even a guy. That’s a PICTURE of a guy on a giant billboard and he doesn’t know you).

·  You don’t love me. (Nate: If you can’t see that I’m doing this because I DO love you, you’re insane. I just want you to stick around for a long, long time.)

All this mostly one-sided dialog, and I didn’t even notice we had driven 30 minutes past the pie place.

 

3144 W Adams St, Santa Ana, CA 92704


I survived, just like he said I would. Sure I was mad, but looking back on this discussion now with a brand new Monday under my too-tight belt, I appreciate that he stood his ground squaring off against my food addiction. I’m a pretty formidable opponent. But then again, so is he.

Krav Maga - yellow belt ceremony

 

Nate really is such a good egg and he rarely gets upset with me, even when I make him drive home from wherever we are – no matter how far we are - to use the toilet (since the thought of dropping a deuce anywhere but the confines of my own bathroom makes me cry). I mean, we could be in Germany and I'd ask him to take me home. Would he? Jesus, no, of course not! He draws the line at international.

 

I do so appreciate him though. He got me this little gift over the weekend with a reminder to make wise decisions in life.

Side note:  the one time I made an honest attempt to use a public restroom, someone followed behind me, and out of the 10 stalls that were completely open, took the one right next door. BUT FOR WHY!!!

 Well, she must have been suffering from stage fright too, because we both sat there for 2 minutes straight rustling toilet paper, tapping our feet, and fake coughing our way through the impending doo(m). Alas, after the 5^th minute of our clumsy attempt at a pas de deux-doo, during which time many others had bravely come and gone, I realized I had met my match. I pulled up my pants, tipped my hat to the winner of the universe, and drove my own ass home.

And on that note, I present to you:

 

Baked Brownie Birthday Cake Oatmeal!

Ta-da! I want to stick my face in you every day!

 

This was truly delicious. It tasted just like a brownie! I believe in the Internetz again! The base recipe calls for:

·         1/3 c of oats

·         2 tbsp flour

·         1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder

·         ¼ tsp baking powder

·         A little salt

·         1/3 c of almond milk

·         ½ tbsp honey

·         1 tsp of melted coconut oil

·         1 tsp vanilla

    ·         Chocolate chips (I used milk)

 

I added:

·         A handful of chopped pecans

·         A few mini marshmallows

·         Sprinkles and more chocolate chips

 

Mix all this crap together, throw it in a greased ramekin (I used 2), and bake at 325 for about 15 minutes.

 

Can you guess which one's for me and which one’s for Nate?