She sings, she bakes, and she types really fast: Misadventures in cooking - tonight's guests: Justin Bieber and Drake

You are the jalapeno of my eye

I thought this chicken tortilla soup would be quick and easy. But now, with an eyeball full of jalapeno juice and my nasal passages burning with the heat of a thousand Pablo Escobar like suns (I’m kidding. I have no idea if cocaine is a hell of a drug), I will never trust myself again.

It’s not entirely my fault, though. I blame Justin Bieber. Drake, too. While pinching the bridge of my nose and furiously shaking my head at the rando choice of YouTube channel I selected as background music for my live action cooking show – audience of ZERO, go figure - I managed to get some jalapeno in my eye.

See, our wifi at home sucks. Almost as much as the music of today’s youth....almost. There were two songs that lasted about 10 minutes EACH due to that buffering thing going extra long and hard for me this evening: Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean” and Drake’s “Hotline Bling”.

FML – this is music??? Partially blinded by jalapeno juice and oxygen deprived due to an inability to inhale, I started to hallucinate and carried on a conversation in my head with these dumb-dumbs:

Bieber: What do you mean?

Me: What do you mean what do I mean?

Bieber: What do you mean? First you wanna go to the left then you wanna turn right.

Me: WHAT? WE’RE NOT EVEN DRIVING RIGHT NOW.

What do you mean? What do you mean???

And then there was Drake:

Drake: You used to call me on my cell phone.

Me: Well, I’m more comfortable using text as a medium.

Drake: You used to call me on my cell phone.

Me: No, really…I’m funnier in writing.

Drake: You used to call me on my cell phone.

Me: This is getting awkward.

I has cellphone

Despite all this musical nonsense, my homemade chicken tortilla soup turned out delicious! If you follow me on Instagram, you know my ass has been working hard at eating clean these days. I’ve been cooking at home almost every day, and not only saving money, but saving my damn life! One almond flour recipe at a time. I’ve practically eliminated white rice and white sugar from my diet, and even though it makes me want to choke a bitch and cut a vato at various times throughout the day, it has gotten easier. I even hiked last weekend with a minimal amount of belligerence towards Nate.