Misadventures in baking: Hello...from me and Adele and some muffins

 

When it comes to weight loss, I know myself. I put all 115 lbs of ME into almost everything I do.

Ok, let’s start again because I can’t even type that with a straight face. I haven't seen 115 since the big amoebic dysentery fiasco of 1994.

 

More like 115 lbs of LAUNDRY

 

I know myself. When it comes to trying to lose weight, I put 100% into almost everything I do - - - at the beginning of each venture, that is.  Then things start to get hard: work gets stressful…the smallest of victories need celebrating (denying myself pizza at lunch means I can have cake and ice cream and spaghetti and butter fried chicken all rolled into one, big, fat-ass rice wrapped burrito for dinner)….memories and thoughts of what could and should be cause mental and emotional breakdowns…whatever. Pick your poison. Life happens. I’m as good at staying the damn course as a Kardashian is at saying no to plastic surgery. And sex tapes.

The hell is this?



 

The other night, as I was eating an old burrito I found in the back of the fridge and questioning most of my life decisions apart from marrying Nate, I realized, “WTF – I’m eating an old burrito over the kitchen sink at midnight. How do I expect to belt out Adele’s new song “Hello” to my former fat self when clearly there’s nothing "former" about this situation? I’m not on the other side with you yet, Adele! I can’t even say at least I tried! I totally suck at this song!”

Hello from the side I never left?

And so it was time to change course. Again. Steer myself away from the carnage asada. So what better way to do that than to make carrot raisin mini muffins using oat flour, stevia, and organic maple syrup for breakfast the next day?

 

I'm only pretty on the outside, but I pretty much taste like feces 

Oh, Internet – sometimes you lie. You lie so bad. Sometimes I find recipes that sound good in theory, but should never be put into culinary action. This was one of them. Of course, it could be me not understanding how stevia works exactly, and how many packets should be substituted for actual sugar. With more sweetener, these could’ve worked. They were super moist, but the only burst of sweetness came from the raisins. Who in the hell wants a mouthful of raisins?

So – this recipe definitely needs improvement before I share it. I’m a big fan of oat and almond flour these days, though! Do these substitutions taste as good as the real deal? HELL NO. But if you don’t want diabetes and you don’t want cancer and you DO want to have a baby before your biological clock starts belting out “Hello from the other side”, it’s time to stop with the bad shit. Again.

Apparently, I like hanging out in my garage

 

Where ya been all my life, almond flour?